Yes, we’re debunking yet another erroneous internet stereotype.

Why don’t people use their brains more? I know they have them. Yet we all do this stupid thing where we get lazy and don’t follow things to their logical end. Or… ends. I know it’s hard to stop and think sometimes but COME ON people. Really? Is this such a hard thing to understand? Why would you think anyone is easy to get to know?

Listen, unless you have lived that person’s life, grown up with that person, were that person’s mother and father and sibling and simultaneously also had the omniscience required to rule heaven and earth, you don’t know razor cream about them. That’s right, nothing. I don’t even fully know myself! So have some humility here and start listening more. Observe more. Open your mind a little bit. Let people change. Let yourself change. Stop thinking you know everything.

I’m telling this to myself too, by the way, so don’t think you’re the only one getting a talking to.

Are extroverts easy to get to know?

No one’s easy to get to know, so, um… no.

Still, let’s talk about it a little bit.

Before we begin, let me ask you a few quick questions, more for your own reflection than anything—what makes up an individual? How simple (or complex) do you think the concept of a person is? Are we just extroverted or introverted? Is that the entirety of our being?

Well, definite no to that last question, you forgot gender, family life, race, nationality, mother language(s), personal preferences (vanilla or chocolate anyone?), age, genetics, religion, family history, financial situation, personality type, natural talents and abilities, dating history, and whether  the individual is right or left-handed.

I’ll stop now. I think I’ve drilled my point into your face in enough already, and I haven’t even gotten into my first thought.

Assumptions

On the surface, extroverts might appear easy to get to know. In their natural state they are more likely to be comfortable with initiating conversations and putting themselves out there, even though those things will look different depending on the type of extrovert.

Here’s an example situation. Two new people show up in a class, or at church, or to whatever group, doesn’t matter, either way they’re new. Person A, for Aaron/Abigail, is outgoing and friendly and immediately starts getting to know everyone (at least everyone that’s responsive to their friendliness). Person B, for Bennett/Bethany, is a lot quieter—so quiet that they barely seem to be a part of the class or group thingy at all—and they don’t make much of an effort to initiate any social interactions. Some people, out of politeness, come and ask Person B their name and about themselves, but B’s short, bare minimum responses don’t invite more questions or encourage continuing conversation.

Now here’s a question for you: who are you more curious about, Person A, or Person B? Who do you think has more friends?

The reality is that both Person A and Person B are equally mysterious. You know nothing about them accept your initial impressions of them, which may or may not be accurate to who they truly are. For all you know, A could be struggling with depression and B could be having a hard time finding work. It could even be their birthday. You just don’t know.

Even if someone is smiling, it doesn’t mean they’re happy. Even if someone is friendly, it doesn’t mean they have friends.

And an interesting note about the perception of friendly people having more friends:

Friendly people are friendly for a reason. Two reasons, actually. Maybe more. But the main two reasons are that 1. They believe in being kind to others and 2. They are looking for friends.

Those who are being friendly could possibly be very lonely and feel completely forgotten and ignored, even though they don’t show it. Sometimes they may even feel used, since people sometimes take advantage of people who are friendly and kind. They likely have experienced loads of painful rejection as well, since they are constantly putting themselves out there.

The people who don’t go out of their way to socialize with others might actually already have friends that are meeting their needs. And some people are just peaceful and float through life, letting people come to them. Quiet people are not necessarily shy. Or maybe they are shy, but either way, that doesn’t mean they don’t have friends.

If we treat our assumptions as fact, we will miss a lot of things. We close our mind off to more information, some of which might change our whole perspective. We miss the opportunity to get to know someone on a deeper level.

I’m sure that making assumptions is not a huge weakness for every single person, but I know I have a hard time with making assumptions about people. There, I admitted it freely to you. I make a lot of quick judgments sometimes, and come to find out many of them were pretty wrong later.

Not every extrovert is friendly, but even if they appear open on the surface I can guarantee you they have their own skeletons in the closest. Everyone does. Depending on whether someone has had traumatic past experiences (which to a degree we all have), every single one of us will have some level of issues with opening up and with being our authentic selves.

People are complex. Just because someone has a preference for extroversion does not mean they are any less complex than those with a preference for introversion.

Talking = Spilling the Beans?

Another thing people get wrong with thinking extroverts are easy to get to know is that they equate being talkative with being an open book.

“Why are extroverts easy to get to know? Well they talk a lot, and they like to socialize, so they have an easier time telling others about themselves—”

That’s erroneous thinking. First off, no, not all extroverts are big talkers. Not all extroverts even like socializing. That’s more depending on the individual. There are plenty of introverts that talk a lot and enjoy socializing as well. I can give examples of introverts I know personally who will talk your head off any day, or introverts who almost seem like extroverts in some situations because of how social they are.

I also have some news for you about talking, and once you read it, you’ll probably nod your head and say something along the lines of “Oh yeah, that makes sense,” because it really does make a lot of sense when you take some time to think about it:

Just because someone is talking, even if they are talking a lot, does not mean they are talking deeply.

Talking. Talking talking talking.

Yes, I am telling you things. I am sharing my thoughts. I am sharing my surface-level feelings about some random thing. They are my honest thoughts and feelings. But I’m not telling you everything.

How it Feels

I’m gonna stop for a second and talk about how this stereotype feels. It’s hard when I’m trying to discuss something from a logical standpoint, because I’m not great at being objective. I’m happy to explore multiple views on a subject, but I still feel passionately about my own particular views as well as what I know to be true.

I feel genuinely frustrated every time I see the following statement, no matter how it’s worded:

“Extroverts are easy to get to know, while introverts are harder to get to know.”

To me, it’s like that sentence is saying, “Oh, since extroverts are more social and talkative by default, it’s a lot easier to get to know them. Words just come pouring out of their mouth like a waterfall, 24/7, so how could you not get to know them? You don’t even have a choice!”

That and, “Introverts are harder to get to know, because they never say anything. You have to work really hard to get them to come out of their shell. It’s no simple task!”

It’s almost as if they’re trying to assert that extroverts are easy to understand, completely approachable and trusting to a fault, while introverts are unapproachable, anti-social, intimidating, and closed off. The typical story of the Party Animal and the Wall Flower.

Those are stereotypes that harm both introverts and extroverts. No one wins. Both are imbalanced and problematic, not to mention polarizing. If we’re being honest here, no one really wants to be defined as either one.

Yes, I do talk more than the average introvert. I enjoy talking. However, when I talk, a lot of it is regular everyday stuff. My random thoughts. The happenings of the day. My cat. My interests. I don’t always share the deeper things. My feelings. My beliefs. My memories. In public, I often try refrain from sharing my truly weird, random thoughts, because that’s a side of me that I don’t usually feel safe showing anymore.  

What I share depends on the person I am talking to, and if I share something about who I am with you, that is a gift.

If you’re interested in me, you value the things I share, and I will want to share more. The same probably goes for you when I value what you share.

Questions

Going back to my main points, let’s talk about questions.

There’s more to getting to know someone than hearing them say stuff. There’s a degree to which you can observe them, but ultimately, you have to ask them questions.

Remember when we were kids, that’s what we did, all the time? We wanted to know the what, where, when, who, how, and why of everything. What is a pigeon? Where is Canada? When are we going to go to the park again? Who is Rick Astley? How do flowers make food out of sunlight? Why don’t we have four arms instead of two?

We asked and asked and asked. Sometimes we got answers, sometimes we got another question right back (“Now why in the world would you ask something like that?”), and sometimes we were told there was no answer.

Children are pretty determined. When they have a question, they seek out their answers relentlessly. They ask multiple people, multiple times. They don’t give up until they find what they’re looking for, even if they have to come up with their own answers for the time being.

We used to ask each other lots of questions. We’d go up to another kid and ask, “What’s your name?”

The most fundamental question of all social interactions. What is your name? What do they call you? There’s been endless talk of the importance of a name, but I’m going to highlight it again—it’s a big deal.

Kids value even the smallest things. Favorite colors. Favorite animals. Favorite foods. Favorite holidays. Favorite things to do. You could ask most any kid their favorite something and I’ll bet my entire stash of invisible chocolate they’d have an answer for you. Why don’t we ask other people what their favorite things are anymore? (I mean, it’s not like we grow out of having favorite things, even if those things change.)

If you truly want to get to know someone, you have to start asking questions again. Gather information. No, you don’t need to make it an interrogation, in fact I’d say that’s a great way to turn someone off by making them feeling probed, but open your mind back up to curiosity. Hopefully, when you’re curious again, the questions will start to come naturally, popping up in regular conversation while you’re spending time with the person you want to get to know better.

The Conclusion

You knew the conclusion right from the beginning of this article, and now I’ve taken you through my thoughts on this subject.

If I’ve said it before, I’m going to say it again—no one is easy to get to know. People are deeply complex and you don’t know what’s underneath the surface. Never assume you know everything (although I’m sure you probably already know that, wink).

Extroversion does not make a difference in the amount of effort required get to know someone. The only thing that might make things easier is that extroverts are often more willing to initiate in general, which possibly increases your opportunities to get to know them better.

Thanks for hearing my rant.

Until next time!

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I just want to add a side note at the end here, how often have ENFPs on the internet said something like what I said earlier? You know, “Even if someone is smiling, it doesn’t mean they’re happy. Even if someone is friendly, it doesn’t mean they have friends.” Is this just a common ENFP thing where we’re all like yeah I look like I’m happy and have friends but I’m actually alone and depressed? And what is with all the edgy goth ENFP fanart? You know, the ones that look like this:

Well that was fun spending hours drawing a parody of the fanart I’ve seen so I could show you. (I don't have to worry about crediting artists and asking permission and all that since this is my own original artwork, which is nice because frankly it's a nightmare trying to figure it all out.)

Farewell again fellow extroverts in the woods!

Tags: AllExtroverts, AllPosts