This is late to be a Valentine's Day post at the time that I write/post this, but happy Heart Day anyway! As I share with you some of my two cents enjoy some heart-shaped jelly beans (photo by the lovely miss Stella Sophia from unsplash, thank you!)!

This question has been ping-ponging around in my head for a while. (If you’re also an ENFP, you probably know what I mean. It’s almost dizzying, considering all these perspectives! It’s like a fun, loopy carnival ride that I can’t stop going on, over and over.) And I gotta be careful with the word should.

Do I know lickedy-split about marriage? Kinda (and by kinda, I mean, not really. I’ve read a lot of articles and a few books about it but that’s it).

Have I ever even been married? Nope.

Clearly, I can talk about this with lots knowledge and experience on the subject…

Maybe, like me, you have found yourself attracted to introverts, even though you’re technically an extrovert. Personally, I find myself the most attracted to INTJs, INFJs, INFPs, and ISFPs, out of all the introverts.

Do opposites attract? Sure. But are opposites more compatible?

I’m going to get into some personality theory here, with all the different functions and stuff, so if this feels like it’s going way over your head right now, I’d recommend skipping this part and scrolling down to the header “A Few Thoughts on Extrovert/Introvert Parings”.

According to the internet, since I am an ENFP, my perfect matches are the INFJ or INTJ. You may also draw the conclusion that, if I wanted to marry someone more similar to me but not too similar, I could just pair with an INFP. However—INFPs are not simply introverted versions of ENFPs. Because of their dominant Fi, which is a judging function, they are, functionally, judgers rather than perceivers.

That’s kind of a funny thing with introverts. The J types are all perceivers, and the P types are all judgers. INTJs? Yeah, they’re actually perceivers. ISFPs? Yup, actually judgers. Weird, eh?

The other funny thing is that they might not initially seem that way, because the first function you see is often their extroverted one. This is part of why the personalities are lettered the way they are. In social situations, you usually see the INTJ’s Extraverted Thinking (Te) and the ISFP’s Extraverted Sensing (Se) first, so you may conclude that the INTJ is a judging type and the ISFP is a perceiving type. But, if you spend enough time with them, you’d be surprised at how intense ISFPs can be and how chill INTJs often are.

Trust me, I’ve seen it with my ISFP friend and my INTJ cousin. People aren’t always what they seem.

Also, we are all different people when we’re stressed.

When each type is stressed they often enter the realm of their inferior functions. Sometimes, if the situation is stressful enough, they will even enter their shadow functions. These are the functions that don’t embody the behaviors and preferences that people would typically expect from us. They’re like tools in your toolbox that you’re very non-proficient at. You pick them up and use them in a very awkward, clumsy manner.

As part of my having lived “in the woods,” I have often been stuck in these inferior functions, specifically my Extroverted Thinking (Te) and Introverted Sensing (Si).

Te is my third function that usually plays the role of relaxation. It often looks like me organizing my room (and my life), boldly sharing thoughts and opinions, cleaning the house, and tackling and finishing projects with vigor. When I’m feeling stressed, however, it turns into harsh criticism (aimed at both others and myself), curtness, obsessive deep cleaning (probably some Si thrown in there with that one), and sometimes an overwhelming desire to be “productive,” maybe even to the point of staying up absurdly late, like until 1:00 am, trying to get more stuff done. But even in this unhealthy state, I still find extroverted energy in this function, and it’s still a relief compared to when I use Introverted Sensing.

Si is my fourth function, and it normally plays the aspirational role. This could look like me having the desire for people to see me as responsible and dependable; feeling nostalgic about the past and desiring to preserve it, and doing things to take care of myself and my physical well-being. While stuck in my inferior functions, I become very quiet, almost turning into a hermit at times. I start focusing on the sensory information around me more often, sometimes trying to re-live the past. I stare at things and sometimes space out with the sensory details. I enjoy and feel safer going to familiar places. I become very serious and negative about life, and sometimes lose my creativity. My regular optimism is replaced with pessimistic realism. I become very focused on my body, and my health, and have a strong desire to take care of both. This is not always a bad thing, but sometimes this turns into freaking out about bodily sensations (“Am I having a panic attack? Do I have a tumor? Are things out of alignment or is something broken? Do I have allergies after all?”) or the fact that it’s 1am and I’m still awake.

I read somewhere once that not getting enough sleep kills brain cells… not a pleasant thought to be reminded about at 1am.

Another weird thing that happens is that I sometimes even start to be drawn to muted colors and preppy/traditional clothing styles, even though both of those things look wrong on me.

For INFPs however, slipping into inferior functions looks different. Te instead plays the role of the inferior/aspirational function for INFPs, while Si is used to relax.

While I would seem more like an ISTJ on the flip side, INFPs would become more like an ESTJ. The Te would be going very strong, with some Si thrown in there just a little bit to support it, but neither of those functions would show up the way they would for a healthy ESTJ.

Think very harsh criticism, lots of curtness and brusqueness. Think desires for productivity and efficiency maxed out, to the point of getting frustrated when they or others aren’t finishing things in the time frame they desire. Think high, unrealistic expectations for the length of a project, and overestimation of theirs and others’ capacities. Think taking random, thoughtless action, without regard for one’s normal preferences and values.

For extroverts, when we’re not ourselves, we become quieter. We shut down.

But for introverts, things get crazy really fast.

Have you ever encountered an aggressive sheep?

They can be very scary. They will come at you, no matter your size, possibly with the intention to absolutely mow you down. To them, your days are numbered.

Never underestimate an introvert.

INTPs and ISTPs have emotional breakdowns, INTJs and INFJs act dangerously impulsive, ISFJs and ISTJs become preoccupied with various horrific possibilities, and ISFPs and INFPs become extremely harsh and critical.

(Disclaimer: my explanation above is likely pretty generalized. I’m not a professional on this topic either, I’m simply a young blogger who loves personality theory. That’s why I like to point you guys to the books [see my about page for a comprehensive list], the ones that deserve to be supported with your dollars and read thoughtfully with an open mind, because the information is so, so helpful!)

So, how does this affect dating and marriage?

A Few Thoughts on Introvert/Extrovert Pairings

You can have a great, fulfilling marriage with any personality. You really can. I’m not telling you to stop dating an introvert if it’s working for you. Introverts are awesome!

The principle of nature vs. nurture can play a huge role in this as well. Two opposite personalities may get along amazingly if they were both raised in similar environments or in environments that taught them to appreciate the other’s qualities. I also hold a firm belief that you can find something to relate to with almost anyone.

But there have been many studies about marriage that show that birds of a feather flock much better.

Extroverts and introverts have very different needs and stressors. In order for a relationship to work here, they would need to be aware of those needs and be able to compromise and communicate. The same thing goes for Sensing/Intuitive pairs and Thinking/Feeling pairs, and also somewhat for Perceiving/Judging pairs. Makes sense, right? If you’re different people, with different core needs, than you would have to figure out a way to reconcile those differences, right? You would each need to accept the other person’s differences and learn to appreciate them for who they are, rather than try to make them be like you or try to make yourself be like them.

You can still have fights and need to work through things though, even if the two of you are the exact same personality. Sometimes people who are like you act like a mirror, and if you don’t like those parts of yourself that they reflect, you might get annoyed with them or their behavior.

Why It Wouldn’t Work

Since I am trying to come back to my extroverted self, it may not be the best idea for me, personally, to pursue dating and marriage with an introvert.

If I were to marry an introvert, I would need to discuss my needs and desires as an extrovert thoroughly first—I want to go out with you at least once a week and do something fun together. I will need to get out of the house frequently. I want to host events and parties with our friends at our house. I want our kids to be involved in their interests and with groups who share those interests. I want birthdays and holidays to be big and fun and flashy. I want our doors to be wide open, and for people to feel welcome in our home. I want to travel with you and our kids. I want to be able to chat and spend time together with you frequently. I need to be able to just blare music in our house sometimes. I need to have the freedom to be loud.

Obviously, this may be too much for an introvert. There would likely be some things I would have to compromise on, and I would feel limited in displaying certain parts of me (this is actually the same in every relationship, that’s why we need multiple people in our lives to create balance). It might be difficult to be myself without inconveniencing or exhausting my spouse. I would likely need some extrovert time at around the same time he would need to be alone to recharge. Him being around me might possibly drain him significantly, depending on how we build our relationship.

It would be tricky navigating that kind of difference in desires and needs. I would most likely need to find other people who would be willing to do extroverted activities with me, such as going to a crowded market, visiting the mall, or attending dances and parties.

Embracing my extroverted qualities would be harder, since I would be living with an introvert again, just like I did when I was growing up. I would likely want to tone myself down again to be considerate to my introverted spouse. 

Which would quite frankly kind of suck, since I know that I could have a different experience!

I see a celebration on the horizon…

Why Extrovert/Extrovert and Introvert/Introvert Pairings Are Better for Some

My parents are both introverts, and so they have similar needs. They don’t have to compromise in that area of things, they are both fine with having alone time if one of them needs it because it charges them either way. They don’t drain each other. They are fine with not going places or canceling social plans, it doesn’t necessarily (at least in general) make them sad to stay home.

They are happy doing quieter activities with just the two of them, like visiting small towns, hiking lesser-known trails, being out (literally) in the woods, and going to calmer events with way less people. My mom is more social than my dad, so she helps him get out, but neither of them argue about the other being too much of a homebody or a party animal.

I could have something like that in my marriage, except extrovert-version. Similar to my parents, we wouldn’t have to compromise, and we also wouldn’t feel like we have to turn our volumes down.

We could chat all the time (loudly) and take breaks if we needed to, but not tire out. We could go out all the time, and I probably wouldn’t need to tell him twice that I want to have friends over or do something big for a birthday or holiday. We could dominate at dances and make people wish they were a power couple like we are. We could always have our doors open and our kids could have lots of friends over. We could do block parties with our neighbors. We could take classes together and serve and help other people.

And we could travel. Oh, how we could travel! It would be a blast. We could go to different states and countries, try new food, see new places, learn new languages, swim with turtles, see the northern lights, go on fun car trips or a plane or a cruise, visit our extended families, etc.

My introvert family did love to travel too. Road trips with them were fun. We would listen to music, play car games, and talk. We would stop at neat places for lunch (or just to use the bathroom) and get to know the places we drove through more intimately that way. We would meet interesting people sometimes too. I have so many great memories from traveling with my family. I want that for my own future family as well.

How It Could Work

Of course, there’s no reason that we, as extroverts, can’t find introverts that would love to do things with us. Introverts like to do stuff and have fun too, they just have a different energy source to take into consideration.

(I could totally see a power-couple dynamic if I married an INTJ, though it would be different.)

However, as I said previously, the only way I see it working out with me marrying an introvert is if he were okay with my extroversion. Basically, he would have to do some compromising too. Just as I would sometimes put his needs before mine, he would do the same for me. Sometimes he would be willing to turn up the volume for me, or at least allow me to turn my own volume up.

Some introverts are really drawn to extroverts. They like the feeling of coming out of their cozy, shady woods and running around in the blazing sunshine, maybe it’s sort of a nice change of pace.

This is where people would say opposites attract, although I actually think sometimes those introverts are actually experiencing something similar to extroverts being “in the woods,” except it’s more like “an introvert in an exposed, sunny field” instead.

I would not want to marry an introvert who feels out of place with being an introvert and tries to be loud when they’re not. They would feel more comfortable in the extroverted world, because that’s familiar, but they would still be denying their own needs and true nature. And because I am trying to be an extrovert again, I would not be able to help them act more true to themselves without sacrificing my own extroversion. I would have to tone it down, in order for them to start toning it down for themselves again.

So, basically, the TL;DR version of this is that I would have to find an introvert who is themselves but appreciates extroverts and allows them to be themselves. Considering our differences, that would not necessarily be easy. We’re only human, after all. And if my kids ended up being mostly introverted as well, I would, once again, end up the only lion(ess) in a family of sheepies.

My Final Thoughts

From my current experiences, I don’t think I would personally be happy if I were married to an introvert. There are many beloved introverts in my life, but one of the biggest things I look for in a spouse is the ability for us both to be our true, complete selves, without having to be more or less of anything. I don’t think I could demand that an introvert allow me to be loud around the house or talk to them for three hours straight.

Perhaps that might change for me one of these days, who knows? I have a tendency to leave things very open (to a fault at times). I have actually had some introverts who really appreciate my ability to be outgoing and talk to people. Some of them told me I helped increase their own confidence. If I could find an introvert who would be willing to accept me as I am, I think things could work out.

...

By the way, what is with the internet completely sidelining Extrovert x Extrovert? It's not a bad ship by any means, and everyone lauds the Introvert x Introvert pairing.

Look, I drew a whole illustration of each pairing with brief witty descriptions just to make a point!

(I'm planning on including original artwork by me at the bottom of my posts so be on the lookout for comics and random drawings and stuff, it's gonna be fun)

Tags: Extroverts, ConceptsTheory